The Dark Side


There has been so much going on lately I can barely kero up and for that I’m deeply sorry. I didn’t mean to neglect this of you that follow my blog, and who have faithfully since before my book was even released.

Since this is a place I’ve used to sort my thoughts out in a rational way, I’m going to just let some words flow and I hope you’ll indulge me today. Not so if them will be positive but the message will still aim for the light.

So the book released.  It was surreal. I put over ten years of my life into it. It wasn’t that it took ten years to write necessarily.. In a technical way.. Just that it took ten years for me to feel that my book and I were worth it. Fears and self doubt, me than once, made me walk away from it. My friends and family always supported me and told me it was good.. But some of them are scared of me so if I walk around with a tutu and my hair in braids they’d smile nervously and tell I looked fabulous.

I decided I just wanted to go for it. I turned 40 and I needed to put on my big girl panties. How can I look at my sons and be a hypocrite by telling them to not be afraid when I’m living in my own fear? 

It’s a huge thing to overcome and I did it. And it was amazing. I didn’t care if I only sold one book. I was, and am, very proud of the work I did.

With that being said I’ve had so much love and support from friends, family, fans, and even authors that I admire and look up to.

I have a lot of things going on in my life and I keep my personal life very sealed and private. But I’m going to share today because it’s relevant to my post. It’s relevant to the negativity that is out there that keeps knocking at my door.

Guess what. My front door is locked. If you manage to get in, I’m armed.. so you won’t make it far. My life, my family, my home, my heart.. I will protect with all the ferocity of a rabid dog. So go ahead and sling dirt, I will not be moved. I have no time for it.

When I say I don’t have time for it.. I literally don’t have time. I’m a mother to four boys. We have a huge, beautiful home that we all live in. I have three dogs. One that acts like a toddler.. Because essentially, she is. I have two lizards. I have two lizards because my son gave up on his and I didn’t want it to die, so that left me as surrogate mom. My oldest son and his fiancé have two cats. My second youngest has two ferrets. There’s a lot of feeding and cleaning going on. And then we take care of the animals. 😑

My send oldest (17) is on the autism spectrum and also suffers from severe depression. It runs in my family. If you’ve ever had a family member, or you suffer from derision yourself.. You know what living with this is like. Because I also have it, it is very hard to stay positive so that we both can get through the day. It has, however, built a strong bond between us. We’ve learned to celebrate little things that other people find ridiculous. To laugh for no reason because it heals quickly. And to hug often because sometimes you just need to hold onto another person for dear life to feel connected.

I also suffer from debilitating migraines. One minute in perfectly fine, the next it’s like my brain is exploding and I’m having stroke after tiny stroke. I was once bed ridden for two months for it.

Working full time for a VP/CFO who does just about everything hands on for a company has been with fit for over 25 years, I’ve had the pleasure of finding a boss that has found my value. I’m his assistant. I do everything… From making coffee to entering financial statements. There are days when I can’t come in. There are days when I’m late. He still hasn’t fired me even though he could. I’m so grateful that even if I won the lottery if work for him until he retired in three years.

What I’m getting at with all these rambling words, filled with typos (doing this from my oh-so-smart phone) is that my life, every single day is as hectic as a trauma ER room. I’ve not touched on all the shit that goes down from sun up to sun down. I just know that when I’m lying in bed at night I’m grateful. My sons come and say goodnight. We laugh, we cry, we yell… But we’re the “Wolf Pack”.

I reach out to the other teens that deal wth bullying and depression in my son’s school and it breaks my heart how prevelant it is these days.

And then.. I get to deal with an immature pack of “mean girls” on Goodreads targeting authors they assume things about, giving one star reviews for books they haven’t read, and trolling comments. I was, for an instant, transported back to high school.

I’m done now. I needed this to sort through it. To validate my anger and my hurt that someone who is in the same industry and has the same struggles would purposely cause harm to a fellow colleague.

You’re a douche. Just saying.

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